I’ve seen it happen so many times. A Sex Addiction is discovered. There are tears and screams, anger, pain, threats and lots of smoke and mirrors. After the dust settles you have conversations–lots of them, some good, most of them bad, but it helps clear the air.
Then you are both spent, emotionally drained. That’s when it happens. And it happens early, usually within the first few weeks or maybe even a few months of the time of the discovery. Both of you start to talk about the future, and there is hope. Your spouse or partner glows with new insights and understanding of their addiction. Apologies, flowers, poems and letters of undying love flow like quicksilver and date nights filled with passion bring a sense of renewed commitment. You let your guard down and start to hope again.
I like to compare this to the eye of a hurricane. It’s as if the storm has passed and good times are here to stay. We become so emotionally battered that we seek any shred of hope, no matter how unrealistic. And unrealistic is just what it is. We seize upon the Sex Addict’s proclamations that they have seen the light, that their recovery is well on it’s way and some even claim that they are cured.
Sorry. Not gonna happen that way. The back end of the storm is right around the corner.
There is no ‘Quick Fix’ for your relationship or for you or the addict. Overcoming Sex Addiction takes years of hard work for the addict and their spouse or partner, encompassing counseling, a recovery program, support, reflection, self awareness, overcoming denial and shame and trial and error in learning communication skills, relationship skills, intimacy and healthy sex. Sex Addiction and it’s compulsions can exhaust the strongest and most dedicated. It can never be overcome in a few short months.
Simply stopping the compulsive behaviors is just the beginning. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that if your spouse or partner has stopped acting out that you can live happily ever after. You, your spouse, and your relationship need a comprehensive recovery plan that examines the farthest depths of your relationship. There is no ‘Quick Fix’. But there is hope–it just takes time.
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once. ~ Albert Einstein
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Joann,
You are an absolute genius!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!
Awwwwe gee! Thanks Lorraine. You made my day.
You’re right Lorraine, JoAnn is a genius. But please go lightly on handing out the kudos, I have to live with her. Great post dear.
I am married to a sex addict. Ive known for 8 of the 10 years. now I have broken. I am tired of sweeping it under the rug. We went to counseling last night for the first time. I have to make a decsion to stick it out with him or leave him. I love him but I am not sure I can get past this and trust him and how would we ever have a NORMAL sex life? I am lonely and I am scared.
My partner is coming to the realization that he is a sex/love addict.
His dad walked out on him when he was 12, never to return. His sexual abues from a trusted family friend began within months of his dad’s departure. His mother, now in her 70′s, even with full knowledge of the abuse, still holds the family friend on a pedestal – and to this day, pledges her love for her exhusband. Mind boggling!
Everyone who should have been his protector as a child – and even as an adult, have come up short. For crying out loud, SOMEONE needs to be this “little boy’s” angel!
His male friends are just casual (due to his deep mistrust of men) His female friends are really just casual sex partners or women with addictions of their own.
His exwife is an anorexic codependent, who despises his very breath. (no doubt because of what he put her through!)
Our story: We live together. He does not have the current financial capacity to live on his own due to his support and pending legal/financial issues from the recent closing of his business (yet another consequence of his problem) He pays his share of our household expenses.
His newly revised custody agreement was approved, following interviews with me, home pictures, etc. This resolution only came after a bitter court battles with his ex-wife.
We have always shared a deep connection and are remarkably compatible. We both felt like no one ever understood us as well as we did each other. Family and friends were always in awe of the way we went together like “peas and carrots.” I have even begun to wonder if “choosing me” was his subconscious’ way of trying to have a healthy relationship with someone who would ultimately discover the truth about him. However, with all that said, I don’t know if I ultimately want to continue a romantic relationship with him.
But, I can’t imagine turning away from him now and sending him packing. Isnt some semblance of stability important as he starts to acknowledge his patterns and takes his first tentative steps toward recovery? If everything (his living arrangements, his custody agreement, losing his best friend) is turned upside down, will he ever be able to start to take care of himself? Wouldn’t he be more likely to be able to focus on himself if he still has SOMETHING good left in his life? Time with his kids, a safe home, a little happiness?
Is it possible to redefine our relationship in a fair, balanced, healthy way? Perhaps even with pre-determined timelines/ checkpoints?
He needs to be accountable for his actions. I cannot be his conscience or personal policeman. What realistic expectations should I have for him at this early stage?
Even if we decided to at least temporarily put our romantic relationship on hold and focus on being friends, I am not so highly evolved to think that I could be at ease with him seeing others. How can that be addressed?
How can I help him help himself, while insuring that I do not become another casaulty of his problems?
Your guidance would be most appreciated!
(His plans for recovery: Self-help books and workbooks and attending support groups seem to be the most likely path for him initially. His finances will not accommodate visits to a psychiatrist or therapist. He is also considering herbal supplements (in lieu of prescription Prozac) as a cheaper alternative to help curb his compulsions. )
You seem remarkably calm, focussed, logical, empowered, compassionate and sad. I like your post and the questions you are asking of yourself, and your realistic outlook on your future together and the possibilities and issues that you may have to address. I like the way that you question what you are likely to be able to cope with and what you are likely to be able to tolerate. I turned into a complete nut when I found out. I left him. I loved him. I think I still do but I’m now contemplating a day in the future that I might go and speak with him, tell him I forgive him, hug him and then walk away. I really need to get to this point because although I was distraught and upset, I realised that I couldn’t live with that type of deceipt. I knew I would never feel content or happy in the relationship again (and I thought I was for so long). I’ve taken such a long time to get to a point where I’m not crying on a regular basis and even now still get upset if I pass him. I don’t want to hold on to bitterness and anguish anymore and really want to hug him one more time and tell him that we can’t be together but it’s ok and I hope he’ll be ok. I hope you post again because I read this site regularly, although I’m not posting as often. When I first posted, I received a lot of supportive comments and replies from Joanne and others which really did help (thankyou). Sometimes it’s nice to talk with people we don’t know and be completely honest. Whatever decision you make, he’s a very lucky man. x
Hi, Seren.
Thanks for the comments. It surely is a PROCESS, isn’t it?! My emotions vascillate wildly, too. I just keep coming back to this “place” I guess. It’s especially hard b/c he is so wounded from long-term feelings of distrust, unloveableness, fear of intimacy, etc. And then how does his betrayal make me feel? don’t trust. I feel unlovebale and afraid of getting close and getting hurt again. I know he feels my distance, but hopefully he feels my love, too. Sometimes, I think someone has to take a little more risk. It needs to be the one who is the stronger one at the moment, me, I guess.
We continue to have the dialogue. He doesn’t think running away from our relationship is the best option since it just another unhealthy coping behavior – escaping his problems. Accountability is something he wants to learn/try/?. (ha) I also thinks it’s good to not be able to wallow in self-pity (see, I ruined everything. I always do) He will have a chance to show some integrity, be deserving of love, and so on – but only if he can be responsible for his actions. My unconditional love for him doesn’t mean that I can stop loving myself.
BTW, his addiction seems to be more of love addiction, with sexual compents than strictly sexual addiction.)
I think I will be reading the blog often too. Having others who understand exactly what I am feeling is very helpful.
Ok….an update,I guess.
He has been very upfront and in tune with what I need to hear. He has told me that he is lucky to have me in his life and doesn’t want to ruin it. I told him that I “know” alot more than he thinks I know. I thought that would give him a bit of relief and also help him to stop covering up. He might think I knew about 1,2and 3….but not 4,5,and 6 so he would be waiting for the shoe to drop. He said that he wants to have emotions and stop blocking. He found a poem called the Steps to Forgiveness and shared it with me. He thinks he needs to do alot of forgiving and letting go. He also thinks he owes alot of others an apology. He has apologized to me. He has even apologized to his ex-wife!!! Apparently,he was guilty of the same and never accepted the guilt or offered his sincere remorse to her (shocker…NOT!) He has begun the personal workshop on Recovery Nation. He has suggested that we set aside a time every week to work on things together, to do the couples workshop on RN, and just discuss our thoughts/feelings. He said he doesn’t want our relationship to become a perpetual therapy session but that he wants to insure that we don’t sweep all of this under the rug and pretend that all is ok. It won’t be an easy fix, he said. He has alot of work to do. Years of life have brought him here and his behaviors/feelings/coping mechanisms won’t magically change. He also wants to replace time spent on unhealthy behaviors with some healthy activities. He is fixing my bike (for the spring) and wants us to join a gym again,for now -or even start taking walks with the dogs and kids. During one of our discussions, we touched on the fact that his mom failed to protect him or even feel anger towards the person who abused him. I said I wanted to talk with her about the past andmaybe even how it was affecting our relationship now. He liked the idea. I stopped over for a visit with her (not exactly fruitful but it was a start, I suppose- I am really trying to be positive here!!! I love her dearly but my lord….she is the poster child for denial and has a hundred pairs of rose-colored glasses,I swear! Everything is happiness and light! ugh!) Last night, he said, “I want to get through this together. No one has every been able to understand me as you have. I think you are in my life for a reason. Betraying your trust was unwarranted, inexcusable. You are sweet, sexy, attentive, fun. You have every right to unload on me. I need to hear how all of this has made you feel, what I have done to you. And I know that I have made you feel insecure, when that is really not in your nature. But,I think it’s your strength that is making the difference for me. You always told me how you felt but you also stopped to think about how I felt, why I acted in the awful ways I did. There’s no one else in the world that I would rather spend my life with than you. I know that. Now, I need to make sure you know it. We’ll get though all of this together. If you hold my hand, I’ll hold yours. ”
And so I think, if we come out on the other side of all of this, it could be a pretty wonderful thing. What is even more remarkable is that the issues with himhave given me an awakening in other areas of my life.I reallly do feel like this is a journey for me (us). I am thankful for it. Weird,huh?
It’s lovely that he opened up with you like this. He has obviously realised what he stands to lose. I hope he doesn’t lose sight of that again. You have been hurt and deceived by him and he needs to recover and readdress issues and rebuild but never forget what you need from the relationship and never put that to one side. Perhaps for now, you just needed to hear him say how much you mean to him and how much he wants to address and change all of the things which jeopardise your relationship. He has said sorry in a way in the only way he knows how. I’m glad for you and hope everything works out. For you both. xx
Yes, I am very encouraged by his words and his actions. Especially encouraged that he is starting these conversations, instead of just responding to my prompting. I have intentionally taken a very passive role, and left alot of pregant pauses during our discussions -in an effort to make him stop and think about what’s going on in my head,instead of just thinking about his next comeback or reply. He also seems to be spending less time complaining about various injustices in his life, which is important,I think. His focus seems to be on what’s good and what he has the control to change.
Scary to see the measly 5% recovery rate and to accept that there is likely to be setbacks, relapses, etc. Not sure how I will deal with those. One step at a time, I guess. Not sure what the ultimatum should be. Difficult bc if you discuss the probability of some failures then aren’t you giving your partner a license to fail? On the other hand, lies and betrayal are the most damaging part of this whole thing. I would rather know. But it’s a tightrope. Not sure how to approach all of this.
I am also uncertain as to how we will redefine our sexual relationship. Not on the top of my priorty list (bigger fish to fry!) but it does come into my mind.
Any suggestions (or even musings!) on these topics would be most helpful.
FOR Jennifer. I wish you all of the luck and happiness that you so deserve. Just be careful. I have gotten very good at playing game as well. And getting better.My husband is always going to turn things around when he’s been caught. All of the sudden he’s telling some secrets to me, wants to change, make me happy, he loves me, wants to be honest, blah, blah. He used to be able to easily convince me of his want to change things, want to stop. Over the years, I have heard many things fall from his lips, that make me realize other wise now. Little things that they say, or do, or in some cases don’t do. I started investigating sex addicts and their personalities…they are very manipulating, as well as cunningly clever. My husband has told me many things since finding him out with the prostitutes. He finally said that he had been sexually assaulted by his priest . The first I had(or any one else) had heard of it. I started to help him (being the mommy again) bought self help books, found information for him to get help. It mostly was a smoke screen to divert attention away from his /our other problems. He really had me going for a minute…then I started to notice little things he would say and do. Not things you would expect from someone to be sincere. He expressed that he was sorry he had told me about what had been done to him. And I felt bad for him. I thought that by sharing something similar with him about myself, would make him somehow feel better. I told him that I had experienced being raped as a young girl. I actually shared this with him. The next night, we were having (sex?) and he whispers to me that he wants to play rape with me, that he thinks about doing this to me. So, I know you want to trust him, but be VERY careful. A lot of energy is spent by them learning your weakest points, and fears. My husband at this very moment is proclaiming to want all of those things, and yet, I am seeing, and hearing much the same “old attitude” towards things that come up in conversations. Example: At 50 years old now…he still doesn’t think that it might be wrong to have little 20 year old chat girlfriends that send him cute pictures of themselves.”I’m not doing anything wrong”! So… even if they say they want all of these things..they are not capable of feeling the way we do. They just don’t want to lose a good thing.And that would be us. The ones that are always there for them. The “mommy”. Now that I am not “mommy” to him… things aren’t the way he likes them. Can’t be “wife E” and all the things he says he wants in bed. So just keep getting help, at least for yourself. I just recently took the approach of dumping his problems in his lap, and am going forward with what I should have been doing when I first found out…getting help for me. Having a “Plan B” to fall back on. Just in case. I’ve been with this man for 30 years. I would believe him every time I caught him in something, as he excels in this. But recently,no. I have gotten more in tune to what, and how he says things, and when he says things.Watch out. I wish I had more information available to me years ago on this. Do your home work, and know who YOU are. I wish you both the best of luck in your future together. LOVE YOU ALL.
Hello all, I’m new to this site and sorry for all of you that have to be here. re: The ‘Quick Fix’ Trap I think that’s where my husband and I are at right now. It has been exactly two months since D-day.
I have certainly not let my guard down but do have slight hope that we will be able to salvage our marriage for the sake of our boys. We have a 2 year old and a 7 month old and have been married for 4 years.
My question is what do I have to do to keep us out of the quick fix trap. We are both in counseling and plan to continue going. My husband is attending a 12 step SA group twice/week and plans to continue that. He has moved out and we are not intimate yet.
I ordered the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse and had previously been reading co-dependent books at the suggestion of a friend.
What kind of things are included in a comprehensive recovery plan?
I’m on the fence about letting him move home right now. I feel it is too soon but also feel torn because my children are missing him. He is at the house almost every day and spends a lot of time with us so I think that it is working well the way it is but my two year old is still sad that daddy won’t stay with us.
Thanks in advance for any advice!
Hi Amy,
I don’t have much time—but you matter so very much, as do your children.
My two cents on your question:
DONT let him move home. You will lose your clarity on the addiction and so will he. It’s too soon.
12 step twice a week means (to me) he’s a “dabbler” in recovery. He’s not committed, though he probably wants it. I would say when he goes at least 5 times a week, talks every day on the phone to his sponsor, meets his sponsor three times a week, and sees an accredited sex addiction counsellor every two weeks at least, he’s serious. And that STILL does not include coming home.
He comes home sometimes after step 4. Tell him that—he’ll know what it means.
YOu can not, as a good mother, put your children’s emotional health at risk again for him leaving–and without the commitment listed about—he will fall back into the addiction and you will have to start from the beginning again. Your children don’t need that.
But, hey, that’s only my take on it.
May you have wisdom and courage, love and humour.
J.
Thanks for your reply! I am short on time too at the moment but wanted to respond to a couple points. His SA group only has meetings 3 nights/week. Two of the nights are Friday and Sunday so he’s been going to either the Friday or Sunday depending on what is going on because our weekends are so busy. I do see your point, right now 3 meetings a week is more important than our weekend activities. I will ask his therapist about encouraging him to go all three days they meet.
He does talk to his sponsor mult times throughout the week and had been seeing his therapist weekly and now is bi-weekly.
You are right about him not coming home too. I just hate that this addiction is stealing away the time that we can’t get back. The peak of his acting out was right before and after our son was born and it has already robbed me of a lot of enjoying our son’s first year and that just makes me so sad.
Thanks again for your reply!
HI Amy,
thanks for the information–I’m in an urban setting and here there are between 6 and 7 SA meetings going every night of the week all over the city. (its a growth industry) In a smaller place, I guess that number would change.
So glad to hear he’s working closely with his sponsor and a therapist. I’m really sad about the baby trigger, though. I understand that feeling of being robbed. I feel like I was robbed too of precious moments that will never happen again. It’s hard to just accept that—you have to grieve first. And then let go of what you hoped it would be.
But life is still full of beauty and joy. You may not be seeing it that way right now. But it is. And there is some of that for you and your children. Take the meaning of your life into your own hands.
I’m into my second night in my new place. My SA spouse helped me move and is working hard to resist the slippery slope of triggers associated with all that. I have to say it feels really great to be in a space that isn’t wrecked by his bad energy trails.
My children are young adults–so they have greater capacity to process the reality of their dad and I living apart. I will be sending lots of light your way as you mother your young ones through this situation.
Hang in there, Amy. There is hope. With or without him, there is hope.
Jane.
Dear Jane or anyone out there:
I would like to know what the first few months are like after leaving a sexually addicted spouse, or having them leave the family home. Has anyone done this? What did you go through? Are you glad now? I am close to making my move,but sooooo scared. I am 41 and been married 9 years. Feel like I am giving up on my marriage and life I worked so hard to build in the first place. He is seeing a therapist (not regularly). And has given me control of money so he does not act out. He said it is harm reduction. But he has been engaging in this type of behavior 20 years! Much longer than I’ve known him. I feel I am kidding myself that he will take the necessary steps to prove he is committed to change. He confessed to his secret sexually addicted lifestyle 3 mos ago. I am so pain wracked that some days I try to forget about it, act like everything is they way it used to be so I can feel normal. But, believe me, I know it is not. I need a psycholgocal break every once in awhile.
What is life like after you dump him?
Hi Pam,
I LOVE being in my own place. I just love it. Getting out from underneath his constant negative energy, his moodiness, his emotional unavailability. I needed to leave and sell the family home because it was poisoned for me. Others may feel able to remain.
It was scary though, and sad to leave the dream of what I thought I had. I can still get sad when I look at picture from our family home, because I had worked hard on making it nice. But then I realize that the distance I’ve placed between that life and this life is the first step to HAVING a life.
Sometimes I’m lonely, but not very often. I am busy at work, with homeless initiatives in our city, with friends, church and I read and write and sew. I’m interested in life again. I’ve lost weight because I’m happier. The loneliness I felt with my SA spouse was much worse than this. I took a vacation on my own this summer for a week and felt like a kid again.
Yes, there were sacrifices, but I feel like I came out ahead.
I still cry. I still grieve. I still miss the hope I used to have for my life with my husband. But it’s a little less than it was. I believe I will always carry a grieving place inside me because of this.
Another thing is that I’ve noticed people around me a lot more than I used to. I take time to talk or listen—more than I used to. I notice if they seem stressed or cranky or sad, and now I can imagine where that might come from. There are ways to keep a tender heart even though the SA has broken it to bits.
The other night I was thinking about myself, and feeling like I recognized the 21 year old happy, positive, beautiful woman I used to be over 30 years ago. She’s still inside. I didn’t lose me after all. But it was a close call.
Pack another box, Pam. The best part of who you are is waiting for your arrival.
love,
Jane.
Quick fix yet again hits home today. My original discovery day was last February 2010 for porn addiction. My husband did the just stop technique and saw a therapist once a week (not a sex addiction therapist). Our relationship carried on as normal and he was not kicked out of the house. So flash forward three months, caught him on the computer with porn again, and even worse while he was supposed to be watching our daughter. So then he was kicked out for a week. At my request he started attending twelve step programs, and switched to a therpaist which deals with sex addiction. We have been in this phase for about 100 days now. He says that he is holding his bottom line. He attends meetings once a week and therapy once a week, or as he can make it which is sometimes less than a week. He is preparing for nursing school this fall and has already started to slack of going to meetings and sessions due to his schedule. In addition he is now working long hours to make up for his lack of financial contribution. So my first issue is he trying to get out of sessions already. Do we really try to force them to make it work – with work, school and sessions? Is there such a thing as too much?? I don’t think once a week is an excessive request.
Secondly since the second time the physical portion of our relationship has been removed at my request. I would have preferred him to move out, but that is not an option for our situation with young kids and financially. So we live together more as roomates, the best option I can figure with a house full of kids versus seperation. But he wants more and he want his old life back. So as of yesterday a 100 days into recovery my husband said that his therpist thinks we should start our recovery together (whatever that means). In addition he is saying this at his stage in his recovery – implying that he is doing so great! To me this seems too soon. I don’t know even at this point if he is genuine in his recovery. He does not seem remorsefull or even sorry for what he has done. So for me I am not jumping into this emtional part of the relationship until I have signs that he is trustworthy.
My thoughts are for the first time I would have signed on, after the second deception and lies, I think this is too soon.
I was just curious how others feel or how others handled this time. I know that i have read other posts where 3 months is too soon to know if the spouse is in recovery.
I really wish there was more on this addiction and how to handle certain phases. Whats normal,what is not. I know everyone is different, but what is the norm?
Any replies or stories are greatly appreciated. Thank You JoAnn for all the info you provide.
Pam,
I think a physical separation is a vital part of recovery. I don’t think the addict feels the true repercussions of his actions if he is allowed to stay in the home.
I know it played a very important part in our situation. He was miserable when he moved out and so badly wanted to be back in the home. This was great motivation for him and allowed him lots of time to really feel the pain and consequences of his actions.
He moved out when my children were 5 mos and 2.5 years. I was very tempted to let him come home right away just to help with the kids but I stayed strong and just learned to deal with it which was the best thing for me.
When he first left I felt so so so so lonely which is bizarre because when he was home all he did was yell at me, at the kids and seethe anger and hate all over the house. I had never lived alone and was scared to be alone. But what I didn’t realize is I wasn’t alone, I had two fantastic children and wasn’t enjoying them like I should. I was too busy trying to keep my husband happy and keep the peace in the house I wasn’t focused on them. I believe I was a good mom, but once my husband moved out, I became a better mom. I learned to enjoy time by myself which is amazing! I learned to really enjoy time with my kids without anyone else around.
He has very recently moved back in. He was out of the house for nearly 6 months. If not for our two very young children he would still be out, but they were missing him so much and he has really shown he is committed to recovery. He attends weekly SA meetings (used to go 3x week has cut it back lately), sees his counselor every other week, and meets with his sponsor on a regular basis. He has also given me full access to all his phone records, bank statements and email accounts. I think he is on a good path only time will tell for sure.
I understand being afraid of the future, but I don’t think you would ever regret the decision to separate. If he shows a true commitment to recovery you don’t have to think of it as dumping him. Rather, detaching and letting him feel the consequences of his actions and giving him time to focus on his recovery. Additionally, be sure you set very clear boundaries with consequences and don’t ever make a threat that you aren’t willing to follow through on. I have set a zero tolerance boundary with my husband and he knows I mean it.
If you haven’t already, get yourself to see a counselor with a certification in sexual addiction. I waited far too long to go and have really benefited from going.
Flora,
Yes, three months is WAY too soon. You said “He does not seem remorsefull or even sorry for what he has done.” this is a huge red flag to me. Leads me to think he is going through the motions only to satisfy you.
“Do we really try to force them to make it work â??” NO we don’t force them to do anything. What you CAN do is set a boundary. If he is watching porn then he needs to get out of your home. He cannot return until he is attending regular meetings for x months. Then leave it up to him.
I read two great books that my friend sent me when we learned of my husband’s addiction. One is “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. The other is “The Language of Letting Go” also by Beattie. These two books really helped me to take on a healthy mindset and not engage in any behaviors that were part of “MAKING” him recover. His recovery is his you cannot control it. You can however hurt his recovery by trying to force him to do things or doing them for him.
He has to do these things for himself and really WANT to get better. If he doesn’t want to get better he won’t. You telling him he HAS TO do anything isn’t goign to make him get better. What can help him get better is knowing what he has to lose if he doesn’t get better.
I just wanted to add, I do NOT advocate the codepency “cure” for spouses of addicts I do however feel that the codepency books I mentioned are helpful for anyone dealing with an addict. Because women are by nature caregivers especially those of us that are mothers.
For me the codepency books helped me learn what behaviors truly are helpful in dealing with an addict and which are hurtful even though they are well intentioned.
But before someone jumped all over me thinking I am suggesting all spouses are codependent becaue they are not, I wanted to clarify my point which is that I think the books from Beattie are inspirational mostly from the stand point of learning to take care of yourself. Because taking care of yourself right now is THE most important thing. Even before taking care of your children because if you are not taking care of yourself, you are not properly caring for them either.
HUGS!
Flora,
On the website, Recovery Nation, which I’m not advocating one way or the other as I’ve just begun checking it out – there’s some info for partners and it details the addicts recovery process very specifically – from their initially enthusiastic motivation to the various set backs – and pitfalls – it’s like 8 or so stages of recovery – maybe this is something that you could read to glean more info on where things are.
Good luck!
Thank you Amy and Mayam,
I like to double check sometimes, because my spouse has always had a way of making me second guess myself. In addition he puts his therapist in the boat. And I’m in the water.
So if the SA is not moved out of the house, how do you incorporate the amount of times to see the counselar or meetings? Or is there none. I do not think it is acceptable for him to skip at this point and once a week is not unreasonable. Maybe it should be a boundary as in “i will not accept you attending less than one meeting or session once a week”????? The logistics is confusing.
I have read co-dependent no more. As well as a couple others by Beattie. They are very helpfull. I think in my request its not an effort to control, but an effort to protect myself. Another reason why I feel some time away, him out, would be beneficial. While he is in our house, it is always under my nose, never a break. I will check out the recovery nation site.
I do have a therapist I have been going to since the beginning, but she is not a CSAT. There is only one in our state and he is full. Wish there were more.
Thank you.
I think it would be fine to make it a boundary that he attend x meetings and counseling sessions per week or month and I do see it as a safety issue as well. What will be your consequence if he breaks that boundary?
Thank you ladies for your encouragement, love and support. I needed to hear!
Flora,
When you say “he makes you second guess yourself” Does he try to make you think you are crazy or way off base in your thoughts? Do you think he manipulates things you say and tries to manipulate your thoughts?
Hi Amy,
No he never outrightly says anything, doesn’t speak much at all in regards to this. Its typically implied (maybe more manipulative), or maybe its in my head. He was famous for saying “Why don’t you trust me” all the while lying through our whole marriage about his secret life or ” I love you” so you would think why does he do this? I must be imagining these things?? Now I know it was all smoke and screens.
But yesterdays conversation was about how his therapist said that he is at the point in his recovery where couples do better if they participate in their recovery together (after three months of sobriety????). In that I read that he is stating that they think i should be participating in some way? Not sure what he means (did not get clarity when I asked him what it means). Marriage counseling is what the therapist had suggested last time I was in to speak with him as part of my sa’s therapy (again only after three months!!!). AND the therpaist said that this is when the spouse should start counseling together. I have read in some cases that it could be two years. So for me I feel that they think I should participate, and that is what is normal, and I don’t want to at this point. I am focusing on my recovery. Another confusing day. I wish there was a manual for this. It would save alot of time and anguish.
But I am trying to stay positive.
Thank you Amy
Just writing these things you start to see through your own confusion. I am not going till I want to. Just continue to focus on myself and the kids. That is what I told my sa and will go with my initial instinct. It took 7 years to get here, its gonna take more than 3 months to get better. Like wieght loss, it takes longer to lose the weight than to gain it. May apply is some way in forgiveness and recovery?? Would make sense to me.
I was the exact same way initially. I did not want to go meet his therapist, I did not want to call or email the wives of his SA group, I didn’t want to see a counselor I didn’t want couples counseling.
I think I was hoping it would all just go away. I got very angry and was having horrible anxiety that got progressively worse. At one of my tirade yellings at my husband he said look you can’t keep doing this.
I said I can and I will. You did this to me and I’ll do and say whatever I want. He acknowledged it was his fault and that I was within my right to say anything I wanted to him. But then he said if I want things to get better I also have to work on us and on me and he was right.
It wasn’t fair to anyone involved for him to be the only one working on things if we inteded to stay together as a couple. I read repeated studies that in order for a marriage to recover it was vital that both the husband and wife work together on the recovery process.
Don’t even get me started on the “you don’t trust me”. He said that all the time and the crazy part is that I DID. 100% I trusted him and never ever in a million bajillion years did I or anyone who knew my husband think he would ever cheat on me.
There is an article on emotional abuse and manipulation that really helped me. It may or may not apply to you but it sure did to me. There were so many subtle things he did that individually amounted to nothing, cumulative formed a mountain of abuse.
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml
I’m not sure if it applies to you but I’d be willing to bet a lot of SA’s engage in this type of behavior.
Hi everyone,
What a great exhange of care and experience. Thank you. I think I’m a little older that you women are, but I have piece that might be value-added about the therapist suggestion that after three months, The SA could do better if you let him back and work together on his recovery.
Big red flags for me here:
First, confirm this with his therapist. I have recently discovered that things can be rephrased by the SA to his preference when it comes to recommendations from the therapist.
Second, Since when does his healing take precedence over yours? You are dealing with the trauma and devastation to your life, at the same time as being primary caregiver to children. It seems to me that he should accommodating your schedule for recovery.
Third, (related to #2) You need to state your priority concerns for yourself and your children. If you haven’t done this piece of your own work, please do it. Otherwise it will ALWAYS default to his agenda. The 12 steps are designed for one star only, and that is the SA. The rest of us are props for the program. And if the therapist really did say that, then they are running off that platform. Not good for you.
Fourth, my personal reaction. Three months isn’t long enough to even catch your breath. After 8 months living apart I am only now beginning to see clearly—what happened to me, what I can do about it, what I want, what I need, what I will accept. And I’m no slouch in the “do the personal work area” and have been working with my therapist.
Anyway, that’s what came to mind about your situations. I wish you only good things.
D.
Thank you D. As you hope for only good things so do I. Someday I hope to be able to share wisdom with others as you all do.
Hi First I want to thank everyone for making this so much easier for me I have been reading every word you have written I have been tring to write my story but i have no idea where to start I did write in about what broke me about my daughters mem card and my SA. anyway I have joined recovery nation and i do have an appt to see someone on mon.and wed. my SA is seeing a addiction social worker who deals with addiction not SA hes had 3 clients in his 40+years and he went to a SA meeting Fri brought home a white chip I was not impressed From everything I have read I really believe that many sources should be used in the treatment of this type of addiction I maybe totally off here but I have found in the short time I have been trying to help myself the more I put in the more I feel a little more normal please give me your insite on this also is recovery nation as good as I believeit is
I will write my story as soon as I can put the pieces together
kat
Hi Kat,
I have been doing recovery nation as well and I’m really getting a lot out of it as I am from all the wonderful women here. The lessons are terrific – helping me to understand my own values and goals as well as grasp this sa thing. I’m feeling more normal as well! That’s huge isn’t it?
My partner is going to see a therapist and I have no idea if this person knows word one about addiction. Wouldn’t matter I guess as my partner (and he says his therapist) have declared that he does NOT have sex addiction. Although from tidbits that he’s mentioned, I’m wondering if the therapist isn’t rethinking that.
The support has been life saving for me. I can believe how generous everyone is with their feedback and compassion. I feel hope – just in the last two days really. I know I’ll be okay with or without my partner and I’m certain that I will never again accept a relationship with him that includes his active addiction and all the lying and abuse that comes with it.