I Discovered That My Sex Addict Husband Has Been Producing Adult Pornography

photographerA year ago I discovered my husband had been operating as a producer, photographer, and performer of an adult pornography internet business. He operated this business in secrecy from me for over the course of 12 years. During this time he contracted with 250 plus Women (Models) ranging in age18-52 (average age of 25, some models are recurring). The models on his website were depicted in erotica scenes of sexual undress, nudity, genital touching, violence, bondage, fetish, intercourse, masturbation assisted and unassisted, and fallatio. My husband appeared in 95% of the movies/clips and some still photographs, participating in a variety of sexual activity with models as described above.

Finding out about his secret was shocking, how could he have kept this secret going for years and I didn’t have a clue or of anything going on.

I internalized blamed myself for being so naïve and beat myself up over “How could I have been so stupid”? Over the past year I’ve learned about sex addiction, how SA are skilled experts at denial who truly believe all their lies. When I confronted my husband it was astonishing how he rationalized his behavior, saying he was running a business and the sex/nudity was just content for the business. In his warped thinking he sincerely believed he was innocent of having committed any wrong-doing.

My husband was so devoted to his fantasy life and self satisfaction he lost sight of reality and respect for anyone including himself. The hunger to self medicate was so powerful he was on a feeding frenzy of constant adoration and admiration his ego desperately sought and couldn’t go without. It’s remarkable how he could compartmentalize living two lives certain the two would never meet, so far away from normal thinking.

The past year has been a nightmare for me, a true test of myself. There are no words to describe the hell and pain. I trusted him so much the betrayal immeasurable. In these past months, through a good sex therapist and women’s group, I’ve come to the realization that the disease is his mistress, and he worked hard to keep her. He gained my trust and affection, coming across as an honest, giving and loving partner to take advantage of me, control me and used my work and hobbies as a distraction.He set up shoots and meets with models in hotel rooms when I wasn’t around. He traveled, I thought for work, attending fetish conventions and meets with models and other people in the profession of pornography. I suffered years of guilt, where he led me to believe that I was the problem to our relationship and intimacy issues. He used my feelings of guilt to manipulate me away from becoming a threat in uncovering his secret life.

I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I’m devastated to have been taken advantage of and used all these years. Our marriage and the life I believed we were living was unreal, a fraud. I am deeply confused, unable to get my arms around all of it, feeling beat up, used and weakened by the abuse of my husband’s actions and infidelities. If it wasn’t for the fact that he walked away from his website business and for the past year working hard in recovery, outpatient at a sex addiction clinic, attending to SA meetings and seeking spiritual guidance, he would be out of my life.

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Responses

  1. I’m sorry that I don’t have a name to address you with, so I’ll just call you “Confused.” I’m so, so sorry that you are finding yourself amongst a rapidly growing group of women who’ve gone through the same exact thing that you have. It sounds like you’ve gotten some good help for yourself and that your husband is towing the line— for now, that is.

    A lot of women who are at the beginning stages of this nightmare say that they are confused. Confusion is the brain’s way of handling intensely traumatic experiences. As you cannot erase the images of what you discovered, your husband is going to have an even tougher time, for he had reinforcers going on his brain, the likes of which some say are stronger than heroin and it’s been hard wired into his neural pathway for years and years.

    I am not trying to be the voice of doom and gloom or be “negative” as some have accused us of being, (those who prefer to keep their heads in the sand) but Confused, you have to understand that your husband is a very sick man. And like some physical illnesses, there may not be a cure. He is like a stage IV lung cancer victim. The prognosis, even WITH intense treatment, is very, very grim. Oh, there’s sometimes a remission, but then the cancer comes back as it outsmarts the chemicals used to fight it off.

    My concern is what drove him to this life of depravity in the first place? You do know that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. This is ALL on him. But, his behavior is compensating for something that he does not have and never did. Can he attain it? Well, experience and research has shown us that this is very doubtful– not impossible, but almost. His sense of right and wrong is deeply skewed. Can he learn the difference? The jury is out on that one, but please know that it’s only one juror who’s in any doubt and it’s because that juror is reasoning by way of emotion, not hard cold facts. He may physically stop acting out, but the horse has left the barn, so shutting the door after the fact is not going to get him back.

    This is why you are confused. Your heart understands this, but your mind is going… but… what if? what if he can change and be THAT man that I thought that he was? The problem is that as you said, that person doesn’t really exist. It was all a sham. You can’t put back something that was never there to begin with.

    The bottom line is… can he truly change? ONLY if he really wants to and ONLY if he wants to for HIMSEL, not just because he got caught and he’s afraid of losing his front for what passes as a normal life. His need to be well and whole needs to be there whether you stay or go.

    If you are brave enough, ask him if he would be doing the “rehab” if you were to leave him. If he balks, or has to consider, even a little bit, you’ll have your answer. He’s not really being sincere about his recovery. Fake recoveries are the norm, not the exception. I do hope that your husband is the rare exception, but based on everything you said, I am very concerned. I’m very, very sorry. But please know… if the news is bad, it by no means that your life is ruined. Quite the opposite. It takes time, but there isn’t a woman on here who left her husband who regretted it later. In fact, most of us wish that we had left sooner. We are only trying to save you continued pain as you navigate these treacherous waters. Please stay safe. best wishes, Kim

    1. Kimberly, how are you doing? What have you decided? This is a horrible story. I am praying you are getting the right help and support after reading this. Let us know how you are……..praying for you!

      1. Oops…just realized the author is not Kimberly……sorry

  2. Wow – Thats one hell of a shock. Im so sorry for what you have found out.
    Thanks for the post. Very honest and sad. I wish you the best and hope you work things out for yourself.

  3. I found out the same and still trying to figure it out and he had been setting me up telling people im crazy,and that I’m the one that cheated made emails and wrote like I had been chatting for years to some one,pretty sure he sent that two his mom,I’d start to notice if I emailed or tried to text her it would start to spin or load slow later on I hit a trigger point and some how he set it with preset text I seen my email later and it started with I need my meds and another was replaced with me talking badly about my son,and it was so well hidden he had been doing our whole marriage suddenly the last few years he was just gone,i knew it was over,something didn’t add up I began to dig deeper and I didn’t know what I’d find once I started it didn’t stop everything was hidden online,he litterly manuplates the internet once I started digging the more I dug the more he panicked and became mean and violent ,and had never been that way with me before,There are crazy maps in different languages,phone numbers with + in front of them that really go to the person just figured out with the plus they go to his alises on Google+,have to use a vpn proxy server to access internet over seas he has thousands of accounts uses json and ncc tag swithes the sim to work one way, can play a game and texting its the craziest stuff I ever seen and I can’t prove it he hacked me and shut me down some how he can use two accounts and the same time mine and my sons he was using and we didn’t even know there are weird docments me and my son found,i went to the police,called the fbi nobody takes me serious or says sleeping with prostuites isn’t against the law,when it’s so much bigger than that,found web pages that only work if I’m some how sysnced with him that my wives plan had my account number and how I was to take the fall for everything financially

  4. Hello I am the author of the article. My husband was a videographer photographer producer director and actor in the porn business.
    I am writing to provide an update. Sex Addiction eventually killed my husband. He died of a heart attack in early spring.
    After his passing I discovered that he never stepped away from the porn business . He just got craftier in hiding. At the same time he was producing porn sites he also maintained his recovery front by actively work on his recovery, he attended individual therapy, he was an SAA member where he had a sponsor and went through the 12 steps, he worked hard at completing the work for each step. This past year he became an SA sponsor, In addition He attended weekly SA group meetings and was a member of another itherapy run group that met weekly. Every week he attended both group meeting and met Bi-weekly with his therapist. Who had a certification to treat sex addiction. He also attended a week long individual intensive and then he attended a week long couples intensive with me.
    Our joint recover cost thousands of dollars that would of been well spent if my husband was honestly committed to recovery.
    He died of a heart attack because of the stress of living 2 lives. Keeping secrets was getting harder because I was educated on SA through my own recovery. I noticed suttle differences in his behavior and would question him. I also had my eyes and ears wide open and that put an extra strain on him. Keeping me in check and being intimate with me while performing in sex films must have put a major strain on him. Throw in doing his recovery work plus working a full time job and helping to maintain our home put him under tremendous pressure. Let’s not forget the demands his mistress “sex addiction” put on him.
    In the end the stress of maintaining 2 lives caught up with him and killed him. He died suddenly. I hope his story catches on as an example of how SA eventually kills its addicts.